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Welcome to the our Planet's Newspaper: The Daily Spread Eagle (and its weekend supplement: the Sunday Lutz)

Here we try to bring you the latest news about the state of the Planet and of our dear King Hanyu.

Anyone can contribute as long as they promise not to upset the Prime Minister with too many calls and risking their sanity to report live from Mt. Irene is discouraged.

So come over, grab a copy and a cup of tea and catch up with the Planet!

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Friday August 4, 2017

THE DAILY SPREAD EAGLE


Program-type eruption threatens Planet Hanyu

By Hydroblade

Mt. Irene, Planet Hanyu's most active and iconic volcano has been rumbling lately and the planet's inhabitants are also noticing.

The area near Mt. Irene has been experiencing increased gold dust emissions since last week. Although this is expected as the beginning of the season approaches,  an increase in volcano activity has been detected over the last three days. A small crack has appeared near the top of the volcano, and combined with the frequent tweeting earthquakes has led scientists currently surveying Mt. Irene to declare that an eruption is imminent. 

2836821-mount-fuji-landscape-japan-volcaThis volcano is the only known active volcano that spews beautiful glittery molten gold, and instead of ash emissions fine gold dust is expelled from the crater. Small puffs of a substance akin to smelling salts are also generated by the volcano, which makes it easier to survive the unpredictable eruptions of Mt. Irene. 

A big surge of activity was detected in 2014, with two big eruptions happening in February and March. This year, it experienced a rather spectacular eruption in April 1st which was welcomed with a big celebration on the Planet. This April eruption provided great relief to all citizens, after  the looming eruption threats of 2015 and 2016. The golden lava is an essential part of the life in the planet, as it's greatly favoured by King Hanyu. 

 

However, not all eruptions are met with such joy and celebration. Earlier this summer, the Great Chopin Eruption caused some distress among the population. The pattern of the tweeting earthquakes and the noise of the crickets living near the volcano, tiny insects which produce "shuu" and "paa" sounds and have a close link with the eruptions, has made impossible to determine whether the eruption will be a joyous or a distressing one. The only things that the scientists can confirm is that the eruption can happen any time over the next two weeks and that it is definitely a Program-type eruption. 

Planet Hanyu's population is advised to keep calm and prepare their hearts for this eruption. The Planet Hanyu Geological Institute released some tips to deal with this incoming event:

  • Keep your BV calculators fully charged: In an event of an eruption of the Program Type, BV calculators are essential tools to predict the possible outcomes of the season. Not everyone owns one, so those who do please be ready to provide your calculations to the general population.
  • Keep monitoring the news: Sometimes an approximation of the full program can be put together thanks to snippets shown in the different programs.
  • Be ready to help those who might require emotional support: An eruption of the Program Type can be a very emotional event. Please help those who might need guidance or reassurance.

Remember that Program-type eruptions aren't isolated events. They repeat through the season and often change through the Grand Prix Events.  Keep your hearts ready and your expectations for a 4Lz sighting moderate. 

 

it is friday, i am sleep deprived and should probably be taken away from the computer

 


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Sunday August 06, 2017

THE DAILY SPREAD EAGLE


Planet Hanyu's population prepares for Mt. Irene eruption

By Hydroblade

As Mt. Irene's activity increases, the citizens of Planet Hanyu have been seen preparing for the inminent close-up-cricket-on-leaf.jpg.653x0_q80_ceruption. Citizens have been seen panic-shopping, buying (among other stuff) big quantities of hats, alcohol and chocolate. The atmosphere of nervousness prevails as the tweeting earthquakes have entered a period of worrying silence and the maple crickets' "shuu" and "paa"s have changed into "su-ton" and "su-pan".  As we know, this change in the noise pattern indicates that the eruption could happen as this article is being read.

Distant flutes and ghostly off-key chants have been heard in the vicinity of Mt. Irene however, it isn't clear if this has any connection to the eruption.

There were attempts to reach the king but all calls have been attended by Prime Minister Pooh, who refused to give us its predictions and only sent small jars of the King's special Chopin Honey and a small note filled with emojis attached to the box, which is still being deciphered by the Department of Cryptology.

The population is advised by the Planet Hanyu Geological Institute to keep as calm as possible and try to relax with sessions of Warhorse Bingo.

More on this story as it develops.

 


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Tuesday September 12, 2017

THE DAILY SPREAD EAGLE


Terrible paprika eruption contaminates Mt. Irene National Park

By Hydroblade

Residents of Planet Hanyu were woken up today by a terrible and paprika-1984291_960_720.pngunexpected eruption of Mt. Irene. This time, our venerable volcano has released tons of paprika that now litter the valleys of Mt. Irene National Park. Cleanup crews arrived shortly after the eruption, to dispose of the offending vegetables as soon as possible by orders of Prime Minister Pooh. 
This event is suspected to be a reaction to the message received from a big mothership that passed near our System earlier. 
Citizens are advised not to try and interfere with the decontamination operations, and especially not to pick and eat the paprika: it is not edible and its possession has been deemed illegal by the Hunny Office. 
The office of the Prime Minister is sending out volcano survival packages consisting of a small crate of tomatoes, chocolate and eggs.
More on this story as it develops.
 
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September 23,2017

The Daily Spread Eagle Express


Massive eruption of Mt Irene brings joy to Planet Hanyu citizens.

By Hydroblade

A World Record level eruption of Mt Irene was observed today.sp-skate-a-20170924.jpg

The eruption is comparable to the Great Chopin Eruption of 2015, surpassing it almost 3 points on the Score-Type Eruption Scale.

Prime Minister Pooh gave a few words: "Recently we received a small flock of swans at the king's palace. Their presence proved beneficial for our King, as their wings provided comfort to work through this score-type Eruption. My head is also a bit sore because of all the squishing but we're very happy with the king's results".

The Eruption contained approximately 112.78 tons of blue, white and gold glitter and, surprisingly, pancakes. 

Another eruption is expected today, prbably a Costume-type Eruption.

Either way, Planet Hanyu's citizens are well stocked with chocolate and alcohol to make it through the eruptions.

Be on the lookout for the smelling salt emissions in case you start feeling dizzy.

More on this story as it develops.

 

 

 

 


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October 6, 2017

The Afternoon Salchow


Nosebleed epidemic spreading through the Planet

By Hydroblade

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Several reports from our citizens indicate that a dangerous nosebleed epidemic has appeared among the population. This comes right after the release of new informational brochures coming from the King's palace, where we can see recent pictures of King Yuzuru.

The pictures have been deemed too adorable and caution should be exercised when presented with them.

"We always expect these reactions from the people but this year the response has been overwhelming" said Prime Minister Pooh "This wasn't the intention of King Hanyu at all but a very unexpected side effect. Usually people can handle the pictures."

For the safety of the people, all pictures of the King from that photoshoot must be shown with a warning so everyone can prepare themselves to look at the cuteness of our Overlord.

The King himself made no comment but this picture shown on the left was sent to our editorial office with a note requesting to be included in the article.

This epidemic is expected to come back when more of the pictures of the King's recent Fantasy on Ice party wearing cat ears surface in an upcoming informational brochure.

Please go to your nearest hospital as soon as you start experiencing the nosebleeds. The Pooh doctors are trained in these kind of situations and will help you return to normal.

 

 

 


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October 23, 2017

THE DAILY SPREAD EAGLE


Royal Intrigue Exposed!

By Hydroblade

After the recent explosion of Mt. Irene, and the sighting of Lady 4Lz, secrets from the palace have tumblr_oy6co8GeHC1w8fb9ho1_1280.jpg

started to surface. An anonymous source has exposed the gossips and inner workings of our dear ruler's Harem, threatening the stability of court life. Among the names that were dropped are the Duchess of Biellmann, Duchess Sit Spin, Baroness Spread Eagle and Countess Ina Bauer.  The informers mention that the Empress 3A's health isn't the best due to the imminent birth of Princess 4A but her sickness is normal for an expecting mother, not to mention that Princess 4A is predicted to be a very difficult baby. 

The office of the Prime Minister refused to talk about these issues and assured us that these are just unfounded rumours and that the servants who started them will be punished. "The punishment for this kind of breach of trust is a diet of paprika and tending the PCS fields for a while" replied the Minister's office after our editor, very worried, asked what "punishment" meant in this case.

It was strongly advised that the citizens pay no attention to these rumours and instead join the celebration to welcome 4Lz to the family.

 

             

 


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December 7, 2017

THE DAILY SPREAD EAGLE


Planet Hanyu and nearby systems celebrate King Hanyu's Birthday

By Hydroblade

Since the early hours of the 7th, numerous messages spanning the whole planet and our Solar Skating System have been reaching the King's palace. For this occassion, Prime Minister Pooh set some of his subordinates near the gates of the King's year-round residence near Cricket  Hills to gather all the gifts and sort the messages. The King usually spends his birthday on important Royal Visits; this time and due to unforeseen circumstances, he is staying at home, presumably following the Grand Prix Final.

img_3851.jpgThe whole Solar Skating System is celebrating the life of our King, a testament of how much everyone appreciates him and what he has done for the System. A Pooh rain of unprecedented proportions covered our Planet and Mt. Irene has been generating a constant and steady stream of chocolate lava with hints of honeyed ginger.

 

"I am sure the King is appreciating all those displays of affection and appreciation that have been reaching us" Said Prime Minister Pooh as he directed the 315th cargo of gifts to the Royal Sorting Hall. "However, as you might know, the King returns to his ninja-like tendencies when he is staying in the Cricket Hills residence. I ask you for patience and your full support during this happy, but still difficult time".

 

No word from the King himself has been released, and this year's Special Birthday Package the citizens of the Planet get has been delayed. "I can't comment on that now, the priority is that the King heals completely to attend the All Japan competition later this month, and of course the Olympic games" Declared the Prime Minister squishing his own face.

 

We take this chance to extend our best wishes for the King, and hoping to see his smiling face worthy of a Mt. Irene eruption soon.

credit:click the image

             

 

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  • 3 weeks later...

December 29, 2017

THE DAILY SPREAD EAGLE


Wild paprika plague spreading through the Planet

By Hydroblade

 

The King's long absence has started to affect many aspects of the daily life in our beloved planet. Productivity has gone down, the various rinks in the Planet have been erecting small shrines to pray for his Majesty's ankle and the chocolate supply is dwindling.

Reports indicate that the King is back on the ice, and that he had a peaceful birthday with a cake provided by his loyal advisors Brian and Tracy. Thousaflfl_hlw55.jpgnds of good wishes were also received at the King's training camp, carefully sorted by all the Pooh-minions of the Prime Minister.

Mount Irene has been observed in a melancholic mood, randomly exhaling puffs of colored smoke matching the King's previous programs.

Earlier this week, Zigeunerweisen Park staff discovered a small patch of wild paprika growing near the lake. Authorities were alerted as this was something unusual.

This friday, more paprika plants were discovered, one in a planter at Firebird Plaza and at least three plants growing near the 4S3T monument in View of Silence street of the capital. "Until now, the paprika plants were confined to the Paprika Fields. That the plants are growing outside its permitted range is very alarming." Said Prime Minister Pooh squeezing its cheeks. "We are doing our best to decontaminate the affected soil but our crew discovered more paprika sprouts in various points of the city."

The population is advised to not touch the plants or its undesirable vegetables. Taking the vegetable is punishable under the Paprika Prohibition Law with up to a week of classifying articles written by sketchy sports journalists and listening to various questionable commentators.

Royal Cleaning Officers have been working hard to keep Cricket Hills, the location of the King's training camp, free of Paprika and are asking the citizens not to disturb the surroundings as they might be unknowingly carrying the offending seeds in their shoes.

No comment from the King's team has been released.

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December 29, 2017

THE DAILY SPREAD EAGLE


Prime Minister Pooh prevented from going to Pyeongchang 2018

By Hydroblade

 

Difficulties have arisen regarding the presence of the Prime Minister in the most important visit the King will have this Season. The Minister's affiliation with a certain mouse seems to make 1024?cb=20160228213932him inelegible to accompany the King this February in Gangneung. "I am very distressed about this situation, i must admit" Said the Prime Minister while quietly savouring a spoonful of hunny. "Certainly Yuzu is quite capable of being on his own, he will have his advisors by his side and he is a very strong young man. But one can't help thinking that a good squeeze before attacking the ice is also a crucial part of his preparation."

Several solutions have been proposed, the nature of them couldn't be disclosed to us.

 

We must remember that Prime Minister Pooh has been by the King's side for many years, always providing comfort, advice and a soft unchanging gaze. Once referred as a "battle companion", Pooh is a very important member of the team.

Previously, the Mouse was oblivious to the importance of the King and Pooh's bond. Efforts were made to reach the Mouse's minions and help the Prime Minister be by The King's side while he skates in one of the most important performances of his reign, however, only a very delayed acknowledgement was announced with no word about any help provided to the Minister in this precarious situation.

 

"I have complete faith in Yuzu. He has worked hard and i trust him. But even if he didn't need me anymore, i would very much like to be by his side." Declared Pooh looking absentmindedly through the window of his office in the Hundred Acre Wood. "I hope I can be there even if it's by proxy."

 

 


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January 18, 2018

THE DAILY SPREAD EAGLE


Dense fog enveloping Cricket Hills

By Hydroblade

 

Since last week,  a dense fog has been observed near the Cricket Hills area, completely obscuring the King's Base Camp. The crickets17251-57452.png are in a hibernation-like state, and even Mt. Irene has been unusually quiet. The temperature is at least 10 degrees colder than the rest of the planet and occasional blade noises are heard in the vicinity. Some minion Poohs have been observed guarding the limits of the blanket of fog, but they refused to answer any of our questions. Currently, the cause of the fog is unknown but it's suspected that the King himself ordered his weather-altering Poohs to shroud him for unknown reasons.

Numerous attempts to contact the Prime Minister failed and Head of Advisors Brian Orser was spotted taking a trip to a nearby planet, and that opportunity was taken to ask about the King's condition. "I'm not allowed to say anything about Yuzu!" he nodded with a smile and said "Everything will be fine".

The Prime Minister's line is currently playing the Winnie the Pooh theme on loop, and there is no way to contact him for further information.

Earlier this morning, our office received a picture of a very satisfying blade track, with a blurry boot barely visible on a corner.

We hope that is a sign that our King is back in action and ready to fight for that gold this February.

 


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February 12, 2018

THE DAILY SPREAD EAGLE


THE KING IS BACK!

By Hydroblade

 

DV1VRskVQAAPQc3.jpgOur dear King has emerged from the Cricket Hills Camp and finally arrived to Pyeongchang. Heavily guarded, he appeared in good spirits.

During his first practice, we noticed he found a way to sneak Prime Minister Pooh's soul in the form of cake, and as such, we couldn't reach the Prime Minister for any declarations.

A care package containing various strawberry related products and a slice of "special" (we are not sure what this means) Strawberry Shortcake has begun to arrive to the Planet's citizens. Mt Irene was observed releasing celebratory swirls of cake-scented smoke with light gold dustings which will greatly please the cricket population at Mt. Irene National Park.

We await for more information but in the meantime, a sweet cream stained note arrived to our offices, declaring today a public holiday to celebrate the return of our King.

Let's cheer for him and send all our positive energy so we can continue to see his smile.

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February 16, 2018

THE DAILY SPREAD EAGLE


Excellent performance by the King

By Hydroblade

photo_l.jpg

After many hardships and doubts, our beloved King Hanyu was finally back on the ice, performing once again to Ballade No. 1 by Frederic Chopin. With the beauty and strength he's known for, he placed first in the short program, blessing us with a very happy and satisfied face. "I just want to say thank you for cheering and I'm back" Said King Hanyu to the media after his performance. When asked about his chances of repeating gold, he replied "Doesn't matter. I don't think about it". He also mentioned that Prime Minister Pooh indeed came with him to Pyeongchang, but had to stay in the hotel. He was given the customary pre-competition squish on the head, so the ritual was completed. As mentioned before, the Prime Minister's soul was infused into the strawberry shortcake cover the King was seen carrying, this being confirmed by our ruler himself, when he said that the cover had both Pooh and Piglet. Sadly, he had to take them off the cake but the soul-infusing spell was still successful. The Minister wasn't available for an interview, another sweet-cream stained note saying that he was preparing for today's free and had bear-y important duties and rituals to conduct.

 

In our planet, the King's joyful mood combined with his beautiful performance produced a steady stream of beautiful glittering light blue lava with a calming smell. Officials in charge of keeping the Paprika Fields in check also noted today that about 1/4 of the offending plants mysteriously disappeared, leaving a patch of lush green grass instead.

 

The whole planet is preparing for today's free skate, sending positive thoughts to our King and hoping that we can see his happy face again at the end of his performance.

 

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  • 1 month later...

An apology, the editions  right after Olys still haven't been recovered by the Editor Poohs. In the meantime...

 


April 11, 2018

THE DAILY SPREAD EAGLE


The King prepares for a three-day Cielebration

By Hydroblade

 

cef3f135.jpgThese past days, an announcement came to the Planet talking about a special Celebration Party our King has been preparing in his adoptive planet Earth, where he will invite dignitaries from all over the Solar Skating System who have inspired him to become a better ruler.

Each party will have a duration of about three hours, in which the King will talk to his guests and people who come to the celebration.

Due to the injury he sustained in November, King Hanyu will be unable to skate at the parties, but in exchange for that he promised to talk. It is unclear if the Prime Minister will make an appearance by his side as well as the list of guests of honor, which hasn't been fully released.

The King hopes to convey gratitude for all this years to the people who inspired him as well as his followers, setting the stage up for a few more years of a happy reign free of paprika and full of smiles.

 

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